


a heart no kiss could resurrect

by poodlesandsucculents



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angsty Schmoop, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Asexual Katsuki Yuuri, Asexual Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 16:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12089106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poodlesandsucculents/pseuds/poodlesandsucculents
Summary: Victor was beautiful and charming, beaming his bright smile at everyone, winking and laughing and Yuuri felt himself shrinking away.You fooled him,his brain said.He picked the wrong guy. It was never supposed to be you, never you, never you, never you, never you.Yuuri is anxious about Victor finding out that he’s ace; Victor already knows.(*me, trying to figure out how to describe this fic* "oh, there's an 'angsty schmoop' tag? that sounds right.")





	a heart no kiss could resurrect

**Author's Note:**

> I have, historically, not been a huge fan of angsty ace headcanon fic because I feel pretty comfortable with my asexuality and I feel like we deserve better romantic fantasies than like, overwrought conversations with our sexual significant others where we have to appease each other’s disparate feelings about sex. Which is why Yuuri and Victor never really had a scene like that in lonely two-legged creatures. But you know what?? Well??? Sometimes I AM angsty about being ace so here I am, writing an angsty, overwrought fic about it, yikes, okay, bye.

Yuuri was riding such a high from breaking Victor’s record, skating in public with Victor, exchanging what weren’t supposed to have been engagement rings but turned out to be engagement rings all the same that he forgot entirely about the revelations about last year’s banquet until they were at this one, and after dinner Victor slipped an arm around his waist and pulled him close and whispered in his ear, “I fell in love with you one year ago tonight.”

Yuuri’s cheeks burned, and well aware that this was not the intended effect of Victor’s words, he felt sick to his stomach and desperate to get away. As they circulated and talked with the other guests--Victor doing most of the actual talking--Yuuri could feel the familiar, sickening sensation of everything slipping, slipping, his thoughts chasing one after the other down a spiral staircase into darkness. Victor was beautiful and charming, beaming his bright smile at everyone, winking and laughing and Yuuri felt himself shrinking away.  _ You fooled him,  _ his brain said.  _ He picked the wrong guy. It was never supposed to be you, never you, never you, never you, never you. _

Yuuri fell back from Victor’s side while he spoke unknown words to a Russian sponsor, and then threaded his way out of the banquet hall. He wandered the corridors until at last he found a small meeting room that was unlocked but not in use, and slipped inside. He felt hot, and shrugged out of his jacket--the jacket of the beautiful suit Victor had just bought him for his birthday--and slid his back down the wall, dropped his glasses beside him, and let the tears pour out.

A few minutes later, he heard Victor calling his name. The note of distress in Victor’s voice wracked Yuuri with guilt, but he still didn’t want Victor finding him like this. He stifled his sobs with all his will, his hands clamped over his mouth, but it was no good. The door pushed open, and there was Victor, sleek hair in disarray.

“Yuuri!” he cried, and rushed in to kneel beside him. “Yuuri, what happened? Are you okay?”

Yuuri shrugged, and buried his face in his arms, knees tucked up to his chin.

“Yuuri,” Victor murmured, and sat down beside him, one hand on Yuuri’s back, the other curled around his bicep. “Please tell me how to fix this…”

Yuuri didn't know how to answer. He felt disgusted with himself for letting Victor even touch him when he knew those touches weren't meant for him--they were for the other Yuuri, the one that he'd somehow convinced Victor was real…

Victor was now carding his fingers through Yuuri's hair in slow, gentle strokes. “Please, Yuuri,” he said. “Please talk to me.”

Yuuri uncrossed his arms and pulled a tissue out of the pocket of his discarded jacket. He blew his nose and Victor just kept stroking his hair. “I'm--I'm not the person you think I am,” he managed at last.

“What do you mean?” Victor asked.

“I'm not sexy.”

Victor laughed a little. “Can't I be the judge of that?”

“No, you don't get it. I'm not  _ sexual _ . I'm  _ a- _ sexual. I don't know what sexual love feels like and I--I don't. I don't even want it. I know I'm supposed to but I don't and I can't. That--‘Eros’ character isn't  _ me,  _ it's just a performance. It isn't real. I'm sorry I--I tricked you--”

Victor brought his hand down to rub Yuuri's back instead. “Yuuri, you told me your Eros was pork cutlet bowls. I think I figured that one out some time ago.” He paused for a moment in his smooth strokes over Yuuri's back and scratched him gently before carrying on. “Did it upset you to skate that music? I wanted you to push yourself--I never wanted you to be uncomfortable. I wish you’d said something--”

“No, no,” Yuuri pressed his palms to his eyes. “I wasn’t upset about that--I liked it. It just--it isn’t me. I don’t mind pretending on the ice, it’s fun, even, but outside, I’m not--I’m not.”

“Okay,” Victor said simply.

Yuuri felt he wasn’t getting it. “That banquet last year, I--when I'm drunk I don't always do what I really want to do, I just. Get more comfortable doing the things I'm supposed to do but don't really care about. I made out with so many people at college parties and I always felt so...weird after. Empty, just. Doing what I’m supposed to do but not feeling what I’m supposed to feel.”

Victor lifted his hand from Yuuri’s back. “Are you saying you feel empty when we kiss?”

Yuuri shook his head. “No, no--I--I like kissing you, actually. It’s different.”

Victor laughed, in seeming relief. “Okay, well I like kissing you, too. So what’s the problem?”

Yuuri sucked in a deep breath of air. “Were you disappointed when you came to Hasetsu?” He barely made it through the sentence before he began crying again.

“Oh, Yuuri, Yuuri,” Victor murmured, and put his arm around Yuuri’s shoulders, pulling him against his side. “Disappointed? I was heartbroken, because you would barely look at me and I thought I must have been wrong about everything and you hated me. But I was never disappointed by you. Never.”

“Of--of course you were. I was--I was fat and I wouldn’t sleep with you.”

“You were as cute as ever, and all I wanted was to spend more time with you, get to know you better. And I did. And I'm so glad.”

Yuuri shook his head.

“Yuuri, when you retire I will let you eat all the katsudon you want and we will both get very fat and I promise I will still think you the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life. Okay?”

Yuuri shook his head again. “I'm going to disappoint you.”

“Never.”

“You don't want me. You want drunk Yuuri who pole dances and grinds on strangers because he's fun and sexy and nothing like me. He's the one you fell in love with. Not me.”

“Oh, Yuuri,” Victor said, and pressed a kiss to his temple. “Is that what you’re worried about? I misspoke, solnyshko. Drunk Yuuri cheered me up once when I was very sad and I was very smitten with him, yes--”

“You were sad?” Yuuri asked, looking up sharply. “You never told me that. Why were you sad? You’d just won the Final--”

Victor shrugged, with a half-smile. “I was lonely,” he said.

Yuuri reached out and gently touched the back of his hand. Victor turned it over and held Yuuri’s fingers.

“I didn't really fall in love until I came to Hasetsu and met  _ this  _ Yuuri.  _ My  _ Yuuri.  I'm in love with the Yuuri who stays up late with me to talk about stupid things and serious things and things I've never spoken to anyone about before. The man who skates such beautiful programs for me and loves my dog.” He brought Yuuri's hand to his lips and kissed the knuckles softly. “He's the one I love more than anything in the world.”

“But--” Yuuri said. “You'll get tired of me eventually. You'll want sex, and I might not be able to give it--but there’s thousands of people who would, wouldn’t you rather have one of them--”

“Yuuri,” Victor sighed, sitting back against the wall. “Has it occurred to you that I might actually like being with someone who doesn’t see me as a sex symbol?”

“But I  _ do  _ see you as a sex symbol--that’s the problem. How can I not? Every time you post a selfie half the comments are people telling you they want you to--you know...”

Victor pulled away. “Is that all I am to you? What other people think of me? How--” Victor scrubbed his face with his hands. “I don’t want you to see me that way,” he said. “I’m so--I’m tired. I don’t want this.”

Yuuri stared at him. “Victor--”

“Is it so selfish to want to have just one person who sees me as a--a person? I don’t want you to see me as the lewd comments people make on social media, or as your--stupid posters. I want you to see me as your fiance, Yuuri, who  _ loves  _ you. I want you to see me as your best friend, your--your  _ family _ ,” he said, choking up on the last words.

Yuuri reached out carefully and brushed a strand of Victor’s hair back from his face. “I see you as those things, too,” he said.

“I know! So stop treating me like the only thing that matters about me is that lots of strangers want to fuck me!” Tears suddenly spilled from Victor’s eyes and he covered them with his hand. “--Shit--”

Yuuri froze, and he didn’t know what to do, though his heart ached at the thought that he had caused Victor pain. At last, he slid his arms around Victor’s waist and held him tight. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry. You matter so, so much to me, Victor. That’s why I’m so scared of disappointing you.”

Victor wiped the tears out of his eyes. “You keep saying that,” he muttered. “Why do you keep saying that, that you’ll disappoint me?”

“I didn’t win gold--”

“Yuuri.” Victor laid his arm over Yuuri’s where it curved around his stomach. “As your coach I am very proud of you for breaking a world record, but I am disappointed you didn’t win because I know you can do better.”

“I know,” Yuuri said, pulling his arms back.

Victor shifted onto his hip and turned to face him, and cupped his face in his hands. Yuuri leaned into the touch, his eyes fluttering closed. “Look at me, love.”

Yuuri opened his eyes and noticed that Victor’s were still a little red. 

“As your fiance, Yuuri, I think you are  _ perfect _ . Even when your brain confuses me,” he added with a short laugh. “I love every single part of you and would never change a thing. How could you disappoint me?”

Yuuri wrapped his fingers around Victor’s wrists and gently pulled them down. He slumped sideways against the wall and held Victor’s hands loosely in his. “Sometimes, I guess--you just act different in public than when we’re alone? I worry you--you expect me to be the same, and I’m just. Even though I know, I mean--I know you care about me, I just worry I don’t, uh. Fit your brand.”

Victor made a face. “My brand?”

Yuuri squeezed his hands. “You know, the cool, flirty playboy…”

“Ohh,” Victor said. “I see.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t--”

Victor squeezed back gently. “No, no, I--you’re right.” He brushed his thumbs over the backs of Yuuri’s hands with a wry smile. “You're not the only one who does things because you think you're supposed to. And I'm supposed to be--that person. But I promise, all I really want to do is settle down with a nice boy who makes me laugh and holds my hand and raise puppies together.”

A smile at last broke across Yuuri’s face. “And you’re not worried people will say you’ve gotten boring?”

“No, fuck them,” Victor said, grinning at him now, and Yuuri laughed. “And I  _ don't  _ think that sounds boring,” Victor added quietly. “I think that sounds wonderful. You have no idea how much I would give to have that. Sex doesn't begin to compare.”

“I just--hate asking you to compromise for me.”

“Yuuuriii,” Victor said, “I was willing to end my career and move halfway around the world just for the chance to be with you--”

“I know,” Yuuri said. “And that’s why--”

“That’s why you want me to return to skating, I know. I know. But every relationship requires compromise. Do your parents have all the same interests and opinions?”

“No--”

Victor took one of Yuuri’s hands and brought it up to his lips and kissed his palm, then held it against his cheek and nuzzled against it. “You and I are so alike in so many ways. This is such a small thing.”

Yuuri brushed his thumb over Victor’s cheekbone. “You’re sure?”

Victor nodded. “Look,” he said after a moment. “Do I want to have sex with you? Of course I do, you’re hot and I adore you. But sex is only good when everyone is having fun and if you don't think sex would be fun for you then I wouldn’t actually want it. I want to make you happy; I want to make you feel good. If sex isn't what makes you feel good then you just need to tell me what does and we'll do that instead.”

Yuuri felt his lip begin to quiver again, and Victor gathered him up closer in his arms.

“Yuuri, oh, love. I just want to take care of you. Tell me what you need and let me take care of you, that's all I ask.”

Yuuri shifted and let Victor pull him sideways into his lap, Yuuri's face pressed into his neck, his arms around Victor's waist.

After a moment, Yuuri said softly, “This is something that feels good.”

“For me too,” Victor said. “See? That's all we need.”

Yuuri kissed the side of his neck, and then snuggled back against his chest, tightening his arms around Victor's waist.

“You know,” Victor said. “However worried you are that I’ll leave you, I promise--I’m just as scared that you’ll leave me.”

“That’s crazy,” Yuuri said.

“Well it’s crazy for you to think I’d leave you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Yuuri. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.” Victor pressed a kiss to the side of his head, then said, brightly, “Your hair smells nice.”

“You smell nice,” Yuuri responded, smiling as his eyes now teared up with happier emotions.

Victor gently rubbed his back and thigh. “We don't really have to go back to the banquet, do we?” he said. “We can just stay here…or go back to our room…”

Yuuri smiled. “No, I think we do have to go back. I was barely there. I don't want everyone to think I'm--I'm crazy…” He reached for his glasses and put them back on. “Besides. I should show I’m serious enough to win the next five World Championships if you’re going to go around talking about it.”

Victor laughed as they pulled each other to their feet. “Oh, it's okay. Since we're both gone they've probably all assumed you and I are just hooking up somewhere. And World Champions don’t have to be serious, haven’t you noticed?”

Yuuri shook his head, rolling his eyes, and threw a damp tissue at Victor’s chest. This produced a satisfying shriek of alarm, though it failed to actually hit him.

Victor then picked up the discarded jacket and held it up for Yuuri to put back on. “If I ever do something that crosses a line, you’ll let me know, won’t you?” He smoothed down Yuuri’s lapels. “I want you to feel safe with me.”

Yuuri hugged him, and Victor cradled his neck with one hand, his other pressed between his shoulderblades. Yuuri sighed into his embrace. “I need, just, this, too, um--”

Victor pulled back a little to search his face.

Yuuri blushed, but managed to hold his gaze. “Don’t--don’t get mad at me when I freak out like this. I hate it, and I hate that I think and say things that upset you, but I can’t--it’s hard.”

“I know,” Victor said. “I understand. Here’s what I need--I need you to tell me when you’re upset and need to get away, okay? Because I want to be able to help you, even if it’s just to make sure everyone else gives you space until you feel better. And because I--I don’t like being left alone.” He traced his fingers through Yuuri’s hair. “You’ve ruined me for being alone.”

Yuuri hugged him again. “I understand,” he said, and they stood there with their faces tucked into each other’s necks for a long minute before they returned to the banquet hall.

 

Both of them felt completely drained by the end of the night, the exertion of their exhibition skate beginning to make its presence known in their limbs on top of the hours of small talk. Victor leaned on Yuuri’s shoulder all the way back to their hotel room, yawning repeatedly in his ear. When Yuuri opened the door, the first thing Victor said was, “Oh! They moved the beds back. How rude.”

Yuuri rubbed his back. “It’s okay, I can--” he laughed a little. “I can just sleep with you in the same bed, like a normal person. I mean, um--if that’s what you want…”

Victor caught his arm in his hand. “You mean it?”

“Yeah, sure,” Yuuri smiled.

Victor hugged him and kissed the top of his head, then immediately began shedding his suit and changing into pajamas. Yuuri stared shamelessly as the strong lines of his torso appeared and then disappeared again beneath one of the henleys he slept in in cold weather. He felt nothing, except a vague awe at Victor’s ability to stay fit when he wasn’t even competing, and a deep affection for a body he loved only because it belonged to the man he loved, the way he loved everything that was Victor’s, from his floppy bangs to his poodle tissue box.

Yuuri took his time getting changed and brushing his teeth and reemerged to find Victor perched on the edge of his bed, swinging his long legs like a toddler. Yuuri smiled and stepped up in between them, resting his hands lightly on Victor’s thighs. “Aren’t you tired?” he asked.

“I’m exhausted,” Victor yawned, draping his arms around Yuuri’s neck and leaning his forehead against his shoulder. “I just didn’t want to go to bed without you.”

Yuuri swept his hands up to Victor’s sides and then pushed at him, gently. “Lie down, then,” he said. He pulled back the covers and Victor rolled and contorted himself until he could slide his feet underneath them. Yuuri turned out the lights and slipped under the covers next to Victor. For a moment they both lay with their heads propped up on one hand, gazing at each other in the dim light, and then Yuuri rose up a little and poked at Victor’s shoulder, making him lie flat on his back. Yuuri reached up one hand to stroke at Victor’s hair, and slid the other up and down his side as he leaned down and kissed him, lips and tongues moving softly together as Yuuri felt Victor relax completely into the mattress beneath him.

When Yuuri pulled back, Victor had the goofiest, prettiest smile he’d ever seen. Yuuri grinned down at him, thinking of how he was going to fall asleep and wake up next to that smile for the rest of his life. “Victor…,” he murmured.

“What? What?” Victor asked sleepily, his eyes crinkling in amusement.

Yuuri bent down to kiss him on the cheek, then the lips. “I want to take care of you, too,” he said.

Victor held his gaze for a long, quiet moment. “Take care of me,” he repeated at last, voice slurred and drowsy.

Yuuri kissed his cheek again, then carefully lay down with his head on Victor’s chest, and rubbed his face against the soft waffle-knit of his shirt as he snuggled in close. He caressed his fingers over Victor’s breast, and watched his engagement ring glint in the low light. Victor smoothed his palm up Yuuri’s arm to rest lightly on his hand, giving it a light squeeze as they held each other close, and drifted off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from “She Don’t Love Nobody” by Nick Lowe.


End file.
